Jackpot!!!

Jackpot! Look what was sent to me! Unfortunately, this will alienate 1 of my 3 readers. But don't worry Jas, I only have 2 other readers.

Filing

At work I have an overhead cabinet that is filled (to the brim) with papers that need to be filed. It's pretty bad. I know that it's something I need to do but I have an aversion to the word "file" and any form of the word (filing, filed etc).

There really isn't a positive context for the word "file" (file taxes, file pile) the only time "file" is nice is when someone else is filing your nails. So I've decided that it is my new goal in life to turn the word "file" around and make it more popular and positive. I wonder if there is some way I can give it some street-cred by replacing the word "dollar" with "file". They seem to do it with cheese so I don't know why we can't use "file".

"I just won the lottery and I'm rich!!! One Million Files!!! Lucky me!"

I have faith that this will catch on soon and then I can take credit for making files popular!

Halloween

So on Halloween Jas and I went to a spook alley with another married couple. It was great! I loved everything about it, except... Jas kept egging on the scary people to stalk, haunt, and annoy only me. He was practically handing me over to the scary people to take home with them to their scary homes and have a scary date or something. I thought that I was taking one for the team by detracting the haunt from others in the group (who weren't too keen about spook alleys).

Then I remembered that the night before, Jas took one for the team by dressing up as a cow! That's right, utters and all. We went to his work party (Jas as the cow and minibar as the milkmaid). The little kids at the party thought it was a lot of fun trying to milk Jas!
Who's idea was the cow outfit? Mine. So I guess now that it's all said and done we're even... until next Halloween!

PS I didn't get any pic's of the cow, however, I'm trying to get some prints from some of Jas' cow-workers. I'm hoping they will share their future black-mail efforts with me!

Werewolf

Okay, I have two problems: 1) I'm 80-90% sure I'm a werewolf and 2) I think I've started diagnosing my illnesses based on Halloween creatures.

Halloween is coming and I'm worried that I might start diagnosing myself as a witch or clown or even worse...the invisible woman. I'm already having a problem getting doctors to believe me (I don't know why) so it won't help my cause to try to convince them I have illnesses based on imaginary things like a unicorn, troll or a dragon (actually I bet I have some symptoms that would fit dragon – we'll need to explore that some other time). I'm not necessarily a believer in werewolves but what if I'm a werewolf? I have all the symptoms and I'm not really sure what to do about it.

This all began when I realized I have way too much hair in places I shouldn't like my ears, nose, face and fingers etc. I figured I'd make a list of hairy things and then cross off things that don't match me. Top three on the list were Europeans, apes and werewolves. The only hairy Europeans that I could think of were men, at beaches, wearing speedos, with large guts and bald on their heads. Well that obviously isn't me for many reasons (thank goodness), so I moved on down the list. Apes- they are very hairy and cute and acrobatic (just like me). However, I realized they are pretty coordinated and I am definitely not coordinated. They also have great upper-body strength and although I can bet Jas in an arm wrestle I don't have much upper-body strength. That leaves werewolves.

Hair in unusual spots – YES! Loves meat – YES! Goes crazy during full moons – Double YES! Get's along great with dogs – YES (I'm Daisy's favorite). Hopefully we'll make it through the full-moon and Halloween season without too many incidents.

Sense of Taste

I am finally feeling better. That was the cold of all colds. If I were tracking that in doggy years I would have been sick for 84 days, that's over two months. So with my new found health has come my new found appetite. Now that I can smell things, I can taste things, and I have probably put on 12 lbs this weekend.

I'm wondering if there's something out there that can take away my sense of smell on a long-term basis. Because as we've recently learned (the last two doggie months) if you cant smell you can't taste. This would allow me to eat the most disgusting things and not even be able to tell. No, I'm not doing this to eat my play-doh concoction without being sick, I want to do it so I can eat fish and liver and stuff like that without gagging. I figure I'd lose a ton of weight if I can't taste anything. Besides, my sense of taste has gotten me into trouble in the past.

Being the kid that liked eating sand, made me accept a dare to see how many scoops of sand I could eat. After 7 large scoops of sand, I ended up throwing up sand all night. Other unhealthy foods that I like to eat are: Crisco; soy sauce; dirt; sand; crayons; candles (birthday, not the large smelly candles – even though some of them smell delicious); grape hubba bubba, actually any fruit-flavored gum; chap stick (strawberry, bubblegum, watermelon and grape were my favorites); and cement (don't worry, I don't eat cement, I just lick it).

I would think that if my insurance company ever got a copy of my fav-food list, they would probably insist on correcting my sense of taste – it will probably save them money in the long run. Well if you have any ideas to help me out let me know.

Play-doh

I just ate what tasted like play-doh...Yuk! How do I know what play-doh tastes like? Because I ate it as a child, and I loved it. Fortunately for me, most of my taste buds have since developed and play-doh is not as appealing as it used to be.

So you probably want to know why I'm eating "food" that tastes like play-doh. First, the background info: I'm trying to eat healthier. I'm doing my best to cut out sugar and processed foods and things like that. However, it's pretty hard to cut all of that out when I have slight food allergies to things like chicken, wheat, milk, sugar etc. So I have recently decided to add in some "no sugar added" products to keep from starving to death.

Because I have to cut out a lot of foods and try to keep my vitamin and mineral intake up, I sometimes need to get a little creative. Let me just say, don't try sugar-free goat's yogurt ("goat-gurt" isn't that a cool name – I wish I could take the credit for that one) + unflavored protein powder + sugar-free chocolate milk powder = play-doh.

Poor Jas. He gets to sample a lot of my creations: cream cheese - free cheesecake; sugar-free pumpkin shakes; spaghetti-free spaghetti etc. I figure I'll find a masterpiece one of these days… just need to keep trying. Sorry Jas.

My Conspiracy Theory

Being a hypo seems to make me a little paranoid. I’m not just talking about being paranoid of getting sick, I’m talking about full-blown paranoia - lucky me!

Jas and I were having dinner with my fam a few weeks ago. Since Amb has a new boyfriend, I felt it was my sense of duty to tell him about how I was the best child in the fam growing up. I was in the middle of telling him about what a star-student I was, when Bar interrupted me with this off-the-wall crazy-talk. She started telling everyone about how I was a chatterbox. Since I was a perfect angel growing up I figured Bar had me mixed up with someone else.

Then Bar told everyone that each time she went to Parent Teacher Conference, my teachers would tell her what a chatterbox I was. Now, I only remember talking during class once in my entire schooling career. It was in 5th grade and Johnny was talking to me. What am I supposed to do? Ignore him? That’s not proper social etiquette. So I got caught. But that’s one teacher.

So, either Bar's memory is failing or this is a CONSPIRACY. My money is on conspiracy, it makes a lot more sense. All of my teachers (K-12) got together and conspired to take Kim down. Now I haven't quite figured out what they would gain by conspiring against me, but I'll find it out and when I do... you better watch your backs former educators.

Biological Warfare

I am currently S--I--C--K. SICK, SICK, SICK! Stupid cold. I have now had a cold for over a week. A week can you believe it? Now you're probably asking yourself how does a paranoid germaphobe get sick? I'm glad you asked. Two words: BIOLOGICAL WARFARE.

That's right. I'm surprised that no one has mentioned it on the news. Big brother is probably trying to hide the truth, which is: this is a widespread epidemic and it's getting even cautious people, like me, sick. And us sickies are staying sick.

Jas and I watch the show NCICSC (commonly known as NCIS) and in one of the episodes they had a terrorist infect money (paper bills). Since I have naively been handling money without wearing gloves, I'm pretty sure that is how I contracted this. Great. Now I will either need to wear gloves the rest of my life when handling money or burn all of our money (something that probably won’t go over easy with Jas). I think I'll probably want to stay sick once I tell Jas about my money bonfire.

Well on the bright side, because of the economy, we don't have much money now. Great, less to worry about!

Big Brother

As you can probably tell it has been a while since I have posted. Well it's not really my fault. We couldn't get our internet to work for the longest time and then the phone stopped working. I know what you're thinking... the Baran's forgot to pay the bill again. Nope, you're wrong. We're all paid up. Jas called the phone company and you guessed it... BIG BROTHER. Our "lines had been cut".

Now the most logical reason would be (no, not squirrels) big brother - that's right. I think I might be on to something with all of my diagnoses and big brother wants to silence me. It all makes sense now... I get an illness, I'm smart enough to figure out what's wrong with me, I go to the doctor and tell them, the doctor tells big brother. DOCTOR'S ARE ON THE TAKE!

Now the question is which disease was I right about? Probably ALL of them. That includes my split personalities - I'm probably a spy and I don't even know it (I mean Baranka is a spy and I didn't even know it). I knew it! Well sorry big brother - I've just scratched the surface of undocumented diseases. And I'm going to tell the world.

Germophobe

Jas and I lived in NYC for a few years. While there, I had the opportunity to become better acquainted with the germophobe in me! So my first month back east I was SICK all the time: cold, flu, a combo meal of both… you name it, I had it. When I finally got better I became paranoid because I realized I'll probably get sick again, SOON. I became very germophobic.

If I touched anything in the subway it would make me crazy and I wouldn't use that same hand again until I washed it. I started wearing my scarf over my mouth (even in warm months) so I didn't have to breath all the germs. I considered wearing a surgical mask but after the SARs epidemic I decided it wouldn't be a good idea.

I refused to hold the handrails while going up or down stairs, but that added to the paranoia that I'll fall down the stairs and lose all of my teeth. In order to resolve that problem I started protecting my teeth with my lips and tongue -so if I did fall I'd cut my lips but not lose my teeth- logical solution right?

I'm sure I was quite a sight in NYC restrooms: squatting to avoid touching the toilet seat; trying to rig my bag so it didn't touch the floor; and doing a dance in the stall to avoid any water splashing on me when I flushed.

Restaurants were interesting… I was paranoid to drink out of the glass just in case the waitress touched the rim of the glass after throwing raw meat around in the back. I also wouldn't use silverware if it touched the table – I can only imagine the things that have happened on that table. Besides, even if the worst possible things didn't happen on that table, women who weren't as restroom cautious as I was put their purses on the table.

It is a modern miracle that I didn't contract something too severe. I did a lot of preventative maintenance though- I carried 3 hand sanitizers and hand-wipes all me the time. I also had back-up sets at work, home and in the car. My hands suffered but I wasn't sick.

Now that we've moved back to SLC I like to think that I've gotten better - but it's probably wishful thinking.

Me, Myself and I

Being a hypo (hypochondriac) not only makes me think I have physical illnesses but it also gives me the wonderfully rewarding ability to obsess about psychological illnesses that I believe I have. For example … I’m pretty certain that I have split personalities.

I based my self-diagnosis on two factors: 1) a pie chart, and 2) a movie.

I was up at 3:00am the other day (a dangerous time for a hypo to be awake) and I decided to make a pie chart of my personality. Now don’t try telling me this is an unusual thing to do because I’m sure there are plenty of people making personality charts at 3:00am. Anyway, looking at my pie chart I decided that I have too much going on with my personality to fit in one chart. I thought about making additional charts but that didn't seem right either. I tried to figure out if I made a mistake but that couldn't be the case because I'm a charting whiz.

Then it hit me… I remembered a movie that was called “The Three Faces of Eve”. It was about a woman who had split personalities and each personality would have different characteristics. When any of the personalities were present a completely new person would surface.

EUREKA!!! That was the only logical answer- I have split personalities.

So the next day I researched split personalities on the Internet (a dangerous tool for a hypo). Most of the symptoms didn’t fit (actually none of them fit), but I’m pretty sure the symptoms were more suggestions rather than requirements so it didn’t really change anything. I definitely had split personalities.

I have been able to identify three personalities (just like Eve, coincidentally). I actually identified a fourth one but she passed on several years ago (may she rest in peace). So meet the other me’s:

Baranka (Perma-PMS): She likes to appear at opportune times like work, driving, and standing in line at the grocery store. You do not want to mess with Baranka, she’ll probably rip your head off. She has a black heart, but she can’t be expected to have compassion since she is an Eastern European mob boss. She runs a group of vandals who are capable of destroying entire buildings over night – true story.

MiniBar (Non-alcoholic): She likes to appear on camera, on video, or in very public places. There is one word to describe her: EMBARASSING. Although we don’t drink alcohol, she gets drunk… from attention. Her name is actually derived from being the mini-me version of “Bar” (my mom). Bar is great at making people laugh and she is always entertaining. MiniBar attempts to get the same reaction but it usually fails miserably. Please note- the best thing for all of us is to just ignore her. Another wonderful aspect to MiniBar is she loves accepting dares – especially if they’re embarrassing.

Baraness (The diva): She doesn’t appear much since we’ve been married. Well, actually the diva aspect appears all the time, but it’s the fashion-conscious, get-ready-in-the-morning, paint-my-nails, shave-my-legs, make-an-effort-to-put-in-contacts, not-wearing-sweats-in-public, kinda gal that doesn’t come around anymore. If the Baraness were around we would wake up at 3:00am, not to make pie charts, but to get ready for the day. Along with being a diva, she thinks the world revolves around her and if it’s not about her she’s not interested. She also thinks she’s the next super-model. To her, the only thing between her and the next magazine cover is a talent scout. This seems to be an interesting thought-process since we haven’t done our hair in the last 7 years – another true story.

Berley, may she rest in peace (Motivated and energetic): She lived during our youthful years. She could wake up at 5:00am, swim for 2 hours, go to school, swim for 3 more hours, get her homework done, and have a social life to top. I’ve decided that she died from old age, because once we hit our mid-twenties she was on her last leg. Since we have left our twenties, she’s long gone. Poor poor Berley (may she rest in peace). So, us without Berley … 5:00am wake ups are something nightmares are made of, working out for 5 minutes is pretty unrealistic (not to mention 5 hours), we don’t do home (house) work at all, and our social life is DEAD (along with Berley, may she rest in peace).

I'm sharing the “faces of Kim” with you in order to warn you that they might surface from time-to-time.

Unofficial Hypochondriac

I’m an unofficial hypochondriac. If I hear or read a list of symptoms, I automatically assume that I have that condition. I also tend to take one symptom and go straight to the worst possible illness.

In my mind, when I have heartburn it’s a stroke. When I’m short of breath it’s black lung. When I get headaches on one side of my head I assume it’s a tumor. When I have a black dot that goes across my line of vision I’m positive that it’s the beginning of glaucoma. I’m also self-diagnosed with arthritis, a heart murmur, asthma, and many other diseases.

Once, it got to the point that Jas grounded me from the Discovery Health channel. I was watching a program that started listing a bunch of symptoms: a need to urinate frequently, especially at night; difficulty urinating; painful or burning urination; or frequent pain or stiffness in the lower back, hips, or upper thighs. So, although I really only had frequent urination (probably because I drink a lot of water) and pain or stiffness in the bottom half of my body (probably because I‘m getting old), I was convinced that I had whatever illness this was. During the commercial break I tried explaining to Jas that I found out what was wrong with me.

When the program started up again they listed a few other symptoms and then they said “If you have these symptoms you’ll want to get checked for prostate cancer.”

“Well Jas that doesn’t mean anything. I’m just the first woman to have prostate cancer- that‘s all.”

I spent the next couple of days trying to convince him that I had prostate cancer. No Luck. Shortly after that Jas grounded me from Discovery Health. But I still watch it when he‘s not around... if I didn’t, I'd have no idea what I'm currently sick with.

Sorry... Ahead of Time

I want to apologize ahead of time to my friends and family (especially Jas) for anything that might embarrass you on this blog. Don't worry, I don't expect any of you to claim me in public.

I'd also really appreciate it if you forget about this blog when it comes time to buying me Christmas and B-day presents. You should probably just use the golden rule and "shop how you would have others shop for you."