Tuesday, November 4, 2008
At work I have an overhead cabinet that is filled (to the brim) with papers that need to be filed. It's pretty bad. I know that it's something I need to do but I have an aversion to the word "file" and any form of the word (filing, filed etc).
There really isn't a positive context for the word "file" (file taxes, file pile) the only time "file" is nice is when someone else is filing your nails. So I've decided that it is my new goal in life to turn the word "file" around and make it more popular and positive. I wonder if there is some way I can give it some street-cred by replacing the word "dollar" with "file". They seem to do it with cheese so I don't know why we can't use "file".
"I just won the lottery and I'm rich!!! One Million Files!!! Lucky me!"
I have faith that this will catch on soon and then I can take credit for making files popular!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Then I remembered that the night before, Jas took one for the team by dressing up as a cow! That's right, utters and all. We went to his work party (Jas as the cow and minibar as the milkmaid). The little kids at the party thought it was a lot of fun trying to milk Jas!
Who's idea was the cow outfit? Mine. So I guess now that it's all said and done we're even... until next Halloween!
PS I didn't get any pic's of the cow, however, I'm trying to get some prints from some of Jas' cow-workers. I'm hoping they will share their future black-mail efforts with me!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Halloween is coming and I'm worried that I might start diagnosing myself as a witch or clown or even worse...the invisible woman. I'm already having a problem getting doctors to believe me (I don't know why) so it won't help my cause to try to convince them I have illnesses based on imaginary things like a unicorn, troll or a dragon (actually I bet I have some symptoms that would fit dragon – we'll need to explore that some other time). I'm not necessarily a believer in werewolves but what if I'm a werewolf? I have all the symptoms and I'm not really sure what to do about it.
This all began when I realized I have way too much hair in places I shouldn't like my ears, nose, face and fingers etc. I figured I'd make a list of hairy things and then cross off things that don't match me. Top three on the list were Europeans, apes and werewolves. The only hairy Europeans that I could think of were men, at beaches, wearing speedos, with large guts and bald on their heads. Well that obviously isn't me for many reasons (thank goodness), so I moved on down the list. Apes- they are very hairy and cute and acrobatic (just like me). However, I realized they are pretty coordinated and I am definitely not coordinated. They also have great upper-body strength and although I can bet Jas in an arm wrestle I don't have much upper-body strength. That leaves werewolves.
Hair in unusual spots – YES! Loves meat – YES! Goes crazy during full moons – Double YES! Get's along great with dogs – YES (I'm Daisy's favorite). Hopefully we'll make it through the full-moon and Halloween season without too many incidents.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I'm wondering if there's something out there that can take away my sense of smell on a long-term basis. Because as we've recently learned (the last two doggie months) if you cant smell you can't taste. This would allow me to eat the most disgusting things and not even be able to tell. No, I'm not doing this to eat my play-doh concoction without being sick, I want to do it so I can eat fish and liver and stuff like that without gagging. I figure I'd lose a ton of weight if I can't taste anything. Besides, my sense of taste has gotten me into trouble in the past.
Being the kid that liked eating sand, made me accept a dare to see how many scoops of sand I could eat. After 7 large scoops of sand, I ended up throwing up sand all night. Other unhealthy foods that I like to eat are: Crisco; soy sauce; dirt; sand; crayons; candles (birthday, not the large smelly candles – even though some of them smell delicious); grape hubba bubba, actually any fruit-flavored gum; chap stick (strawberry, bubblegum, watermelon and grape were my favorites); and cement (don't worry, I don't eat cement, I just lick it).
I would think that if my insurance company ever got a copy of my fav-food list, they would probably insist on correcting my sense of taste – it will probably save them money in the long run. Well if you have any ideas to help me out let me know.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
So you probably want to know why I'm eating "food" that tastes like play-doh. First, the background info: I'm trying to eat healthier. I'm doing my best to cut out sugar and processed foods and things like that. However, it's pretty hard to cut all of that out when I have slight food allergies to things like chicken, wheat, milk, sugar etc. So I have recently decided to add in some "no sugar added" products to keep from starving to death.
Because I have to cut out a lot of foods and try to keep my vitamin and mineral intake up, I sometimes need to get a little creative. Let me just say, don't try sugar-free goat's yogurt ("goat-gurt" isn't that a cool name – I wish I could take the credit for that one) + unflavored protein powder + sugar-free chocolate milk powder = play-doh.
Poor Jas. He gets to sample a lot of my creations: cream cheese - free cheesecake; sugar-free pumpkin shakes; spaghetti-free spaghetti etc. I figure I'll find a masterpiece one of these days… just need to keep trying. Sorry Jas.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Jas and I were having dinner with my fam a few weeks ago. Since Amb has a new boyfriend, I felt it was my sense of duty to tell him about how I was the best child in the fam growing up. I was in the middle of telling him about what a star-student I was, when Bar interrupted me with this off-the-wall crazy-talk. She started telling everyone about how I was a chatterbox. Since I was a perfect angel growing up I figured Bar had me mixed up with someone else.
Then Bar told everyone that each time she went to Parent Teacher Conference, my teachers would tell her what a chatterbox I was. Now, I only remember talking during class once in my entire schooling career. It was in 5th grade and Johnny was talking to me. What am I supposed to do? Ignore him? That’s not proper social etiquette. So I got caught. But that’s one teacher.
So, either Bar's memory is failing or this is a CONSPIRACY. My money is on conspiracy, it makes a lot more sense. All of my teachers (K-12) got together and conspired to take Kim down. Now I haven't quite figured out what they would gain by conspiring against me, but I'll find it out and when I do... you better watch your backs former educators.