Me, Myself and I

Being a hypo (hypochondriac) not only makes me think I have physical illnesses but it also gives me the wonderfully rewarding ability to obsess about psychological illnesses that I believe I have. For example … I’m pretty certain that I have split personalities.

I based my self-diagnosis on two factors: 1) a pie chart, and 2) a movie.

I was up at 3:00am the other day (a dangerous time for a hypo to be awake) and I decided to make a pie chart of my personality. Now don’t try telling me this is an unusual thing to do because I’m sure there are plenty of people making personality charts at 3:00am. Anyway, looking at my pie chart I decided that I have too much going on with my personality to fit in one chart. I thought about making additional charts but that didn't seem right either. I tried to figure out if I made a mistake but that couldn't be the case because I'm a charting whiz.

Then it hit me… I remembered a movie that was called “The Three Faces of Eve”. It was about a woman who had split personalities and each personality would have different characteristics. When any of the personalities were present a completely new person would surface.

EUREKA!!! That was the only logical answer- I have split personalities.

So the next day I researched split personalities on the Internet (a dangerous tool for a hypo). Most of the symptoms didn’t fit (actually none of them fit), but I’m pretty sure the symptoms were more suggestions rather than requirements so it didn’t really change anything. I definitely had split personalities.

I have been able to identify three personalities (just like Eve, coincidentally). I actually identified a fourth one but she passed on several years ago (may she rest in peace). So meet the other me’s:

Baranka (Perma-PMS): She likes to appear at opportune times like work, driving, and standing in line at the grocery store. You do not want to mess with Baranka, she’ll probably rip your head off. She has a black heart, but she can’t be expected to have compassion since she is an Eastern European mob boss. She runs a group of vandals who are capable of destroying entire buildings over night – true story.

MiniBar (Non-alcoholic): She likes to appear on camera, on video, or in very public places. There is one word to describe her: EMBARASSING. Although we don’t drink alcohol, she gets drunk… from attention. Her name is actually derived from being the mini-me version of “Bar” (my mom). Bar is great at making people laugh and she is always entertaining. MiniBar attempts to get the same reaction but it usually fails miserably. Please note- the best thing for all of us is to just ignore her. Another wonderful aspect to MiniBar is she loves accepting dares – especially if they’re embarrassing.

Baraness (The diva): She doesn’t appear much since we’ve been married. Well, actually the diva aspect appears all the time, but it’s the fashion-conscious, get-ready-in-the-morning, paint-my-nails, shave-my-legs, make-an-effort-to-put-in-contacts, not-wearing-sweats-in-public, kinda gal that doesn’t come around anymore. If the Baraness were around we would wake up at 3:00am, not to make pie charts, but to get ready for the day. Along with being a diva, she thinks the world revolves around her and if it’s not about her she’s not interested. She also thinks she’s the next super-model. To her, the only thing between her and the next magazine cover is a talent scout. This seems to be an interesting thought-process since we haven’t done our hair in the last 7 years – another true story.

Berley, may she rest in peace (Motivated and energetic): She lived during our youthful years. She could wake up at 5:00am, swim for 2 hours, go to school, swim for 3 more hours, get her homework done, and have a social life to top. I’ve decided that she died from old age, because once we hit our mid-twenties she was on her last leg. Since we have left our twenties, she’s long gone. Poor poor Berley (may she rest in peace). So, us without Berley … 5:00am wake ups are something nightmares are made of, working out for 5 minutes is pretty unrealistic (not to mention 5 hours), we don’t do home (house) work at all, and our social life is DEAD (along with Berley, may she rest in peace).

I'm sharing the “faces of Kim” with you in order to warn you that they might surface from time-to-time.