Werewolf

Okay, I have two problems: 1) I'm 80-90% sure I'm a werewolf and 2) I think I've started diagnosing my illnesses based on Halloween creatures.

Halloween is coming and I'm worried that I might start diagnosing myself as a witch or clown or even worse...the invisible woman. I'm already having a problem getting doctors to believe me (I don't know why) so it won't help my cause to try to convince them I have illnesses based on imaginary things like a unicorn, troll or a dragon (actually I bet I have some symptoms that would fit dragon – we'll need to explore that some other time). I'm not necessarily a believer in werewolves but what if I'm a werewolf? I have all the symptoms and I'm not really sure what to do about it.

This all began when I realized I have way too much hair in places I shouldn't like my ears, nose, face and fingers etc. I figured I'd make a list of hairy things and then cross off things that don't match me. Top three on the list were Europeans, apes and werewolves. The only hairy Europeans that I could think of were men, at beaches, wearing speedos, with large guts and bald on their heads. Well that obviously isn't me for many reasons (thank goodness), so I moved on down the list. Apes- they are very hairy and cute and acrobatic (just like me). However, I realized they are pretty coordinated and I am definitely not coordinated. They also have great upper-body strength and although I can bet Jas in an arm wrestle I don't have much upper-body strength. That leaves werewolves.

Hair in unusual spots – YES! Loves meat – YES! Goes crazy during full moons – Double YES! Get's along great with dogs – YES (I'm Daisy's favorite). Hopefully we'll make it through the full-moon and Halloween season without too many incidents.

Sense of Taste

I am finally feeling better. That was the cold of all colds. If I were tracking that in doggy years I would have been sick for 84 days, that's over two months. So with my new found health has come my new found appetite. Now that I can smell things, I can taste things, and I have probably put on 12 lbs this weekend.

I'm wondering if there's something out there that can take away my sense of smell on a long-term basis. Because as we've recently learned (the last two doggie months) if you cant smell you can't taste. This would allow me to eat the most disgusting things and not even be able to tell. No, I'm not doing this to eat my play-doh concoction without being sick, I want to do it so I can eat fish and liver and stuff like that without gagging. I figure I'd lose a ton of weight if I can't taste anything. Besides, my sense of taste has gotten me into trouble in the past.

Being the kid that liked eating sand, made me accept a dare to see how many scoops of sand I could eat. After 7 large scoops of sand, I ended up throwing up sand all night. Other unhealthy foods that I like to eat are: Crisco; soy sauce; dirt; sand; crayons; candles (birthday, not the large smelly candles – even though some of them smell delicious); grape hubba bubba, actually any fruit-flavored gum; chap stick (strawberry, bubblegum, watermelon and grape were my favorites); and cement (don't worry, I don't eat cement, I just lick it).

I would think that if my insurance company ever got a copy of my fav-food list, they would probably insist on correcting my sense of taste – it will probably save them money in the long run. Well if you have any ideas to help me out let me know.

Play-doh

I just ate what tasted like play-doh...Yuk! How do I know what play-doh tastes like? Because I ate it as a child, and I loved it. Fortunately for me, most of my taste buds have since developed and play-doh is not as appealing as it used to be.

So you probably want to know why I'm eating "food" that tastes like play-doh. First, the background info: I'm trying to eat healthier. I'm doing my best to cut out sugar and processed foods and things like that. However, it's pretty hard to cut all of that out when I have slight food allergies to things like chicken, wheat, milk, sugar etc. So I have recently decided to add in some "no sugar added" products to keep from starving to death.

Because I have to cut out a lot of foods and try to keep my vitamin and mineral intake up, I sometimes need to get a little creative. Let me just say, don't try sugar-free goat's yogurt ("goat-gurt" isn't that a cool name – I wish I could take the credit for that one) + unflavored protein powder + sugar-free chocolate milk powder = play-doh.

Poor Jas. He gets to sample a lot of my creations: cream cheese - free cheesecake; sugar-free pumpkin shakes; spaghetti-free spaghetti etc. I figure I'll find a masterpiece one of these days… just need to keep trying. Sorry Jas.

My Conspiracy Theory

Being a hypo seems to make me a little paranoid. I’m not just talking about being paranoid of getting sick, I’m talking about full-blown paranoia - lucky me!

Jas and I were having dinner with my fam a few weeks ago. Since Amb has a new boyfriend, I felt it was my sense of duty to tell him about how I was the best child in the fam growing up. I was in the middle of telling him about what a star-student I was, when Bar interrupted me with this off-the-wall crazy-talk. She started telling everyone about how I was a chatterbox. Since I was a perfect angel growing up I figured Bar had me mixed up with someone else.

Then Bar told everyone that each time she went to Parent Teacher Conference, my teachers would tell her what a chatterbox I was. Now, I only remember talking during class once in my entire schooling career. It was in 5th grade and Johnny was talking to me. What am I supposed to do? Ignore him? That’s not proper social etiquette. So I got caught. But that’s one teacher.

So, either Bar's memory is failing or this is a CONSPIRACY. My money is on conspiracy, it makes a lot more sense. All of my teachers (K-12) got together and conspired to take Kim down. Now I haven't quite figured out what they would gain by conspiring against me, but I'll find it out and when I do... you better watch your backs former educators.

Biological Warfare

I am currently S--I--C--K. SICK, SICK, SICK! Stupid cold. I have now had a cold for over a week. A week can you believe it? Now you're probably asking yourself how does a paranoid germaphobe get sick? I'm glad you asked. Two words: BIOLOGICAL WARFARE.

That's right. I'm surprised that no one has mentioned it on the news. Big brother is probably trying to hide the truth, which is: this is a widespread epidemic and it's getting even cautious people, like me, sick. And us sickies are staying sick.

Jas and I watch the show NCICSC (commonly known as NCIS) and in one of the episodes they had a terrorist infect money (paper bills). Since I have naively been handling money without wearing gloves, I'm pretty sure that is how I contracted this. Great. Now I will either need to wear gloves the rest of my life when handling money or burn all of our money (something that probably won’t go over easy with Jas). I think I'll probably want to stay sick once I tell Jas about my money bonfire.

Well on the bright side, because of the economy, we don't have much money now. Great, less to worry about!

Big Brother

As you can probably tell it has been a while since I have posted. Well it's not really my fault. We couldn't get our internet to work for the longest time and then the phone stopped working. I know what you're thinking... the Baran's forgot to pay the bill again. Nope, you're wrong. We're all paid up. Jas called the phone company and you guessed it... BIG BROTHER. Our "lines had been cut".

Now the most logical reason would be (no, not squirrels) big brother - that's right. I think I might be on to something with all of my diagnoses and big brother wants to silence me. It all makes sense now... I get an illness, I'm smart enough to figure out what's wrong with me, I go to the doctor and tell them, the doctor tells big brother. DOCTOR'S ARE ON THE TAKE!

Now the question is which disease was I right about? Probably ALL of them. That includes my split personalities - I'm probably a spy and I don't even know it (I mean Baranka is a spy and I didn't even know it). I knew it! Well sorry big brother - I've just scratched the surface of undocumented diseases. And I'm going to tell the world.