Germophobe

Jas and I lived in NYC for a few years. While there, I had the opportunity to become better acquainted with the germophobe in me! So my first month back east I was SICK all the time: cold, flu, a combo meal of both… you name it, I had it. When I finally got better I became paranoid because I realized I'll probably get sick again, SOON. I became very germophobic.

If I touched anything in the subway it would make me crazy and I wouldn't use that same hand again until I washed it. I started wearing my scarf over my mouth (even in warm months) so I didn't have to breath all the germs. I considered wearing a surgical mask but after the SARs epidemic I decided it wouldn't be a good idea.

I refused to hold the handrails while going up or down stairs, but that added to the paranoia that I'll fall down the stairs and lose all of my teeth. In order to resolve that problem I started protecting my teeth with my lips and tongue -so if I did fall I'd cut my lips but not lose my teeth- logical solution right?

I'm sure I was quite a sight in NYC restrooms: squatting to avoid touching the toilet seat; trying to rig my bag so it didn't touch the floor; and doing a dance in the stall to avoid any water splashing on me when I flushed.

Restaurants were interesting… I was paranoid to drink out of the glass just in case the waitress touched the rim of the glass after throwing raw meat around in the back. I also wouldn't use silverware if it touched the table – I can only imagine the things that have happened on that table. Besides, even if the worst possible things didn't happen on that table, women who weren't as restroom cautious as I was put their purses on the table.

It is a modern miracle that I didn't contract something too severe. I did a lot of preventative maintenance though- I carried 3 hand sanitizers and hand-wipes all me the time. I also had back-up sets at work, home and in the car. My hands suffered but I wasn't sick.

Now that we've moved back to SLC I like to think that I've gotten better - but it's probably wishful thinking.

Me, Myself and I

Being a hypo (hypochondriac) not only makes me think I have physical illnesses but it also gives me the wonderfully rewarding ability to obsess about psychological illnesses that I believe I have. For example … I’m pretty certain that I have split personalities.

I based my self-diagnosis on two factors: 1) a pie chart, and 2) a movie.

I was up at 3:00am the other day (a dangerous time for a hypo to be awake) and I decided to make a pie chart of my personality. Now don’t try telling me this is an unusual thing to do because I’m sure there are plenty of people making personality charts at 3:00am. Anyway, looking at my pie chart I decided that I have too much going on with my personality to fit in one chart. I thought about making additional charts but that didn't seem right either. I tried to figure out if I made a mistake but that couldn't be the case because I'm a charting whiz.

Then it hit me… I remembered a movie that was called “The Three Faces of Eve”. It was about a woman who had split personalities and each personality would have different characteristics. When any of the personalities were present a completely new person would surface.

EUREKA!!! That was the only logical answer- I have split personalities.

So the next day I researched split personalities on the Internet (a dangerous tool for a hypo). Most of the symptoms didn’t fit (actually none of them fit), but I’m pretty sure the symptoms were more suggestions rather than requirements so it didn’t really change anything. I definitely had split personalities.

I have been able to identify three personalities (just like Eve, coincidentally). I actually identified a fourth one but she passed on several years ago (may she rest in peace). So meet the other me’s:

Baranka (Perma-PMS): She likes to appear at opportune times like work, driving, and standing in line at the grocery store. You do not want to mess with Baranka, she’ll probably rip your head off. She has a black heart, but she can’t be expected to have compassion since she is an Eastern European mob boss. She runs a group of vandals who are capable of destroying entire buildings over night – true story.

MiniBar (Non-alcoholic): She likes to appear on camera, on video, or in very public places. There is one word to describe her: EMBARASSING. Although we don’t drink alcohol, she gets drunk… from attention. Her name is actually derived from being the mini-me version of “Bar” (my mom). Bar is great at making people laugh and she is always entertaining. MiniBar attempts to get the same reaction but it usually fails miserably. Please note- the best thing for all of us is to just ignore her. Another wonderful aspect to MiniBar is she loves accepting dares – especially if they’re embarrassing.

Baraness (The diva): She doesn’t appear much since we’ve been married. Well, actually the diva aspect appears all the time, but it’s the fashion-conscious, get-ready-in-the-morning, paint-my-nails, shave-my-legs, make-an-effort-to-put-in-contacts, not-wearing-sweats-in-public, kinda gal that doesn’t come around anymore. If the Baraness were around we would wake up at 3:00am, not to make pie charts, but to get ready for the day. Along with being a diva, she thinks the world revolves around her and if it’s not about her she’s not interested. She also thinks she’s the next super-model. To her, the only thing between her and the next magazine cover is a talent scout. This seems to be an interesting thought-process since we haven’t done our hair in the last 7 years – another true story.

Berley, may she rest in peace (Motivated and energetic): She lived during our youthful years. She could wake up at 5:00am, swim for 2 hours, go to school, swim for 3 more hours, get her homework done, and have a social life to top. I’ve decided that she died from old age, because once we hit our mid-twenties she was on her last leg. Since we have left our twenties, she’s long gone. Poor poor Berley (may she rest in peace). So, us without Berley … 5:00am wake ups are something nightmares are made of, working out for 5 minutes is pretty unrealistic (not to mention 5 hours), we don’t do home (house) work at all, and our social life is DEAD (along with Berley, may she rest in peace).

I'm sharing the “faces of Kim” with you in order to warn you that they might surface from time-to-time.

Unofficial Hypochondriac

I’m an unofficial hypochondriac. If I hear or read a list of symptoms, I automatically assume that I have that condition. I also tend to take one symptom and go straight to the worst possible illness.

In my mind, when I have heartburn it’s a stroke. When I’m short of breath it’s black lung. When I get headaches on one side of my head I assume it’s a tumor. When I have a black dot that goes across my line of vision I’m positive that it’s the beginning of glaucoma. I’m also self-diagnosed with arthritis, a heart murmur, asthma, and many other diseases.

Once, it got to the point that Jas grounded me from the Discovery Health channel. I was watching a program that started listing a bunch of symptoms: a need to urinate frequently, especially at night; difficulty urinating; painful or burning urination; or frequent pain or stiffness in the lower back, hips, or upper thighs. So, although I really only had frequent urination (probably because I drink a lot of water) and pain or stiffness in the bottom half of my body (probably because I‘m getting old), I was convinced that I had whatever illness this was. During the commercial break I tried explaining to Jas that I found out what was wrong with me.

When the program started up again they listed a few other symptoms and then they said “If you have these symptoms you’ll want to get checked for prostate cancer.”

“Well Jas that doesn’t mean anything. I’m just the first woman to have prostate cancer- that‘s all.”

I spent the next couple of days trying to convince him that I had prostate cancer. No Luck. Shortly after that Jas grounded me from Discovery Health. But I still watch it when he‘s not around... if I didn’t, I'd have no idea what I'm currently sick with.

Sorry... Ahead of Time

I want to apologize ahead of time to my friends and family (especially Jas) for anything that might embarrass you on this blog. Don't worry, I don't expect any of you to claim me in public.

I'd also really appreciate it if you forget about this blog when it comes time to buying me Christmas and B-day presents. You should probably just use the golden rule and "shop how you would have others shop for you."